The wife of the former governor of Kaduna State, Hadiza Isma El-Rufai, has shared how she ended up in a polygamous marriage “not by choice initially,” having come from a monogamous family.
Mrs El-Rufai, the first wife of Nasir El-Rufai, stated this in a post via her X handle on Sunday while reacting to a social media debate on polygamy.
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In her post, which generated heated arguments as observed by PREMIUM TIMES, the former Kaduna first lady said that when she married her husband, she was not expecting him to take an additional wife, even though he was “raised in a polygamous family.”
“When we agreed to get married,” she said, referring to her husband El-Rufai, “I envisaged a monogamous marriage, even though the subject was never discussed.”
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She said the marriage later metamorphosed into a polygamous one, with her husband marrying additional wives, Asia Ahmad El-Rufai and Aisha Ummi Garba El-Rufai.
Polygamous marriage
Speaking on her acceptance of the polygamous marriage, Mrs El-Rufai said: “Now I find myself in a polygamous marriage, ‘not by choice initially,’ because the transformation of our marriage from a monogamous one to a polygamous one was my husband’s choice and not mine.”
However, she emphasised that she accepted remaining in the marriage without revolting because she made her own choice.
“I say ‘subsequently by choice’ because deciding to remain in the marriage was my choice and nobody else’s,” she said, hinting that she could have sought a divorce if she wanted.
She further stressed the provision of Islam for any married woman who wishes to opt out of her marriage, saying women can pay back the dowry given to them as a way of divorcing their husbands.
This process in Islam is referred to as “Khulk”, where a woman pays her husband an agreed dowry enough to get him another wife in replacement of the one seeking divorce.
“We got married under Islamic law,” she said, adding that “under that law, a woman reserves the right to opt out of a marriage, even without giving a reason.”
“One condition, though, is that she must return the dowry that was paid to her,” she added.
Mrs El-Rufai joked about having finished her dowry, hinting at an unlikely reason that could have kept her in the marriage against her choice.
“Could that have influenced my decision to stay?” she asked jokingly, adding that “because, frankly, by that time, I don chop my dowry clean mouth.”
In short, she summed up her reason for staying in the marriage to date, saying: “I decided to look at the good side of things,” stressing that “‘when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,’ and that’s what I’ve tried to do.”
Why first wives should welcome polygamy
Mrs El-Rufai sounded practical and realistic when she stated that, despite not expecting what culminated in a polygamous marriage in her life, she has realised some advantages.
“You’ll have more time to focus on your career, your interests, and do what you’ve always wanted to do,” she said, listing them in her X handle post.
She also added that first wives with co-wives tend to “have more time for your children,” since caring for children can be a time-consuming routine.
The former first lady and author said that for couples of the same age who have started experiencing “old age,” polygamy is advantageous to the wife.
“If you, like me, are of the same age as your husband,” she said, citing an example, “and you’ve both started experiencing the signs of old age, you won’t be expected to rub his back.”
“Because… who will rub yours?” she added.
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She also mentioned one of the most problematic aspects of many marriages—where in-laws try to wield influence—advising that the first wife is at an advantage when she has a co-wife to share that burden.
“The wahala of in-laws will be divided and shared,” she said.
However, Mrs El-Rufai made a controversial statement on the benefit of polygamy to men, who are often the masterminds behind the arrangement.
She said: “By contrast, however, apart from one thing, I cannot think of any advantage of polygamy for a man.”
“But then again, I understand that that one thing is essential,” she said, emphasising sex as the main reason arguably why men take more than one wife.
