Our man in France, By Reuben Abati

“So, where is President Tinubu, my brother?”
“What do you mean where is President Tinubu? He told you and everyone else that he is travelling to France and the UK on a working leave.”
“What else is he doing? What work is he doing?“
“Don’t be rude my friend? Who are you to ask the President what he is doing?”
“We are the people. We have the right to know.”
“This thing you people call democracy. Nigerians actually think that it is a form of madness. If the President says he is going on a working leave, and he is taking part of his annual leave, what is your problem?”
“He says it is a working leave. We just want to clear our suspicion. What exactly is the work? He cannot be away for almost a week, and we cannot know what he is doing.”
“Okay, he is just taking time off, and spending time off with his wife. Do you have a problem with that?”
“Which wife? No man needs time off to work on his wife. He can do that here. And let me tell you, having a wife is not a job. We all have wives, and we know how it works.”
“It is not the same thing. You cannot compare that your wife that you married with two tubers of yam and your in-laws told you not to bother about bride price out of pity. You cannot compare her with a delectable, elegant, fashionable, tasty, classy woman like Mrs Tinubu.”
“A wife is a wife. My wife is also classy. When the lights are off, every wife is a first lady. What I hear is that each time our President travels to France and UK, it is mainly for medical reasons. What is he always looking for in France and UK? He should stay at home. And be careful. You can’t go about saying those things about the President’s wife. The EFCC may arrest you.”
“I don’t even know why you are bothering yourself. When a Fulani man was Nigerian President, he said his doctors were in England. His spokesperson told you people, his saviours lived in England. He even went away for about six months at a stretch. One other President from the North almost died in Saudi Arabia. He was rushed home at the last minute. It is now a Yoruba man in charge, you are asking him to go to a Nigerian hospital. I have always told you, you do not like Yoruba people despite everything that Yorubas have done for you. You have a Yoruba wife. You live in Lagos. Your children are half-Igbo, half-Yoruba. I know your girlfriend. She is Yoruba. I know your landlord. He is Yoruba. But when it comes to politics, you are Obidient, that is when you remember that small percentage of Igbo that is still in you. You are a very disloyal person. The way I am looking at you, when you grow old, you will die in this Yorubaland, and you will be deposited in Ikoyi Cemetery.”
“I will wake up! Nobody will dare bury me in a foreign land. I am a Prince of my town, in case you don’t know. I will go back to my ancestors.”
“My friend, leave that ethnic matter. After making all your fortune in Yoruba land, you want to carry your carcass to some unknown ancestral land. You alone will go alone.”
“Stop this kind of talk. I am not planning to die. What we are asking is where is President Tinubu? What work has he been doing since he travelled?”
“He is working. He has issued birthday messages. I saw one message he issued greeting Owelle Gilbert Chikelu on the occasion of his 95th birthday. A super Perm Sec who served this country diligently. Owelle of Ichida, Owelle of Aniocha, Knight of St. Paul, Commander of the Order of the Niger (CON), former Chairman of GTBank, author of a biography at 95.”
“And you call that work?”
“He has also sacked an aide in the office of the Vice President, a Special Assistant on Digital and Creative Economy, Fegho Umunubo.”
“And that is what you call work?”
“The President has spent just about four days only abroad. This is Presidential work, not the kind of work that you and I do. Stop comparing yourself to the President of the biggest nation in Africa. I think this is the mistake that you all make. In a democracy, there is class. There is status. There is hierarchy.”
“There is something called citizens’ rights. There is participation, accountability and integrity. My problem is that when we discuss Tinubu, you always sound like one of those Governors and Ministers who go to the airport to see him off on every trip. When he returns, they can also be found at the same airport, receiving him. Those Governors have become part of Tinubu’s welcoming party. That is all they do. Sycophants in high places. Idle Governors disgracing the people who voted them into power.”
“Please, please, I take exception to that. You cannot compare me to those jobless Governors. No. Please. I voted for Tinubu in 2023, but have you ever seen me anywhere near Aso Villa or any APC event? Those Aso Rock Governors are different. I hear that in some of these states, files have to be taken to Abuja for the Governor’s signature. The people are the ones who pay for the to-ing and fro-ing. In fact some of these Governors have relocated their wives and children to Abuja. Others have standby concubines in Abuja. They have become flying objects. In Tinubu’s case, you at least know where he is. One of these days, one of these Governors will be kidnapped by bandits. I will be the first person to congratulate the bandits.”
“Jobless Governors. May the bandits kidnap them!”
“Exactly my point.”
“Let’s be fair though. Nobody should be kidnapped. At the end of the day, we are all citizens.”
“I hear you. You are a citizen. Tinubu is a citizen. Atiku is a citizen. Peter Obi is a citizen. Kwankwaso is a citizen. Who else is a citizen out there? Keep deceiving yourself.”
“But seriously, you may not like the politicians and their ways, but there are people in this country who are citizens and who are trying their best to uplift this country. For example, the Super Eagles. They are out there in Bloemfontein, South Africa today, to fight for Nigerian glory. Last week in Uyo, they beat Rwanda. They kept hope alive.”
“Too late. In Uyo, they were scrappy. They were saved by Tolu Arokodare in the 51st minute. Now, in South Africa, they won’t have Victor Osimhen in the front. He is nursing an injury. He is out of action. South Africa is leading Group C with 16 points. Forget it. Too late. We are not going to World Cup 2026. Nigeria would have to win all the three remaining matches against South Africa, Benin and Lesotho. I don’t see that happening.”
“Miracles till happen. Our God can do a magic. It is not over until it is over.”
“Leave God out of it. Football is an exact science.”
“God is above science.”
“Oh. Nigerians always remember God when they have messed up thoroughly. A few days ago, one contractor called Sujimoto was weeping on social media calling on God in a matter that has nothing to do with God. Enugu State government gave him ₦5. 7 billion to build 22 smart schools and deliver between July 2024 and September 2025. He collected the money and failed to deliver. When they started looking for him, he absconded. Now they have taken his matter to the EFCC, he is telling stories and weeping. Really, what is wrong with Nigerians?”
“EFCC has declared him wanted. Enugu state says they just want their money back because this is a case of premeditated fraud.”
“I don’t think the matter should have ever reached this stage. This is a commercial transaction. If a contract goes wrong, you can always re-negotiate. You also have the option of arbitration. You can have lawyers on both sides to help with matters. But you cannot just abscond with other people’s money, after making false promises. Contractors who behave like that spoil business for other business people. They cause so much problem, even foreign investors will not want to come here.”
“You don’t know these boys pretending to be rich and big. They want to live in houses that their great grandfathers never lived in. They want women their fathers never saw except in magazines. They want to eat food that nobody in their lineage ever tasted. And they want to do all of that with stolen money. I don’t pity such people. Enugu State should take their money back. And I don’t like the way some Enugu State people are attacking Governor Peter Mbah. They are saying Mbah likes Yoruba people. He gives contracts and appointments to Yoruba people. That is very stupid talk. That is bad politics. Mbah has not done anything wrong. The fact that his administration is open-minded and liberal should be seen as a plus, not a wrong.”
“But you know Yoruba people cannot be trusted. This is the point Easterners are making.”
“Fine. You don’t trust your wife. You don’t trust your landlord and you live in his house. You don’t trust Yoruba people and you live in Lagos. Go home, my friend.”
“You know I like you people. All my children speak Yoruba. I am the only one who has not learnt the language, and I have been in this place all my life. I like Yoruba customs. Yoruba parties. Yoruba weddings. Just look at the two recent Yoruba weddings. Davido’s wedding and Otedola’s daughter’s wedding. Yoruba can show oh. Omo, wetin.”
“I don’t know about Davido’s wedding. All the attention was on your sister, Chioma, his wife. All her clothes were on point. But they dressed Davido like he was in a hurry. His suit didn’t suit him. But the poor boy was so happy he didn’t mind. Vegetables at work. And they spent money. Good money. But no class.”
“That is not a fair assessment.”
“I am just telling you what I saw. Okay compare the Davido wedding with that of Temi Otedola and Mr Eazi.”
“There is no basis for comparison. What I know is that you can marry when you want and as you like it. How you marry does not determine anything.”
“Yes, may be when our mothers were getting married. They gave our mothers plastic flowers and they were happy. We are now in the age of event planners, and event decorators. Even if you want to marry a house maid, she will insist you must do make up and do her hair. Do you know how much it costs to do make up for a woman these days? They will even ask for a social media influencer to tell their story. But my point really, is that I saw style and class in the Temi Otedola wedding. I didn’t see that in Davido’s wedding. I saw an attempt to flaunt money, for the sake of doing so. And so?”
“You are praising Otedola’s daughter because she and her husband are Yoruba.”
“No, Not at all. Davido is Yoruba. Chioma is a Yoruba wife. But look at the Temi Otedola wedding, even Forbes magazine had to write a story to say that it is the best wedding in Africa this year, and in fact, the second best in the world. The wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez in Venice, 26-28 July, gulped between $20 – $55 million. The Otedola wedding was in three countries: Morocco, Dubai and Iceland.”
“That is not what matters. I got my wife almost for free. Today, as you know, I have two sons who have Ph.Ds, two daughters with Masters, and my retirement baby is writing WAEC next year. Their mother is still in my house eating my food. I never knew that she likes food but as she grew older, she just kept eating and eating. That your sister, she now eats aplenty. Her waist is now big. I like it like that, though. It is what my money has done! I thank God.”
“What your money has done. You have tried. Clap for yourself. Please when is our man in France coming back home?”
“In about a week’s time”
“Hopefully, when he returns, he will embark on another trip abroad again. I hear he will travel for Hajj. His wife is with him.”
“Good for him. Good for her.”
“We are in a modern age. A Nigerian President can govern from anywhere, including the planet of Mars. This is what technology is all about.”
“Toh.”