“Omo, how you dey?”
“I dey my dey oh. What’s up?”
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“How you take see this Baba Tinubu’s mid-term score card?”
“My problem is that President Tinubu is in Lagos and we suffered for about two days. Traffic hold-up. I spent three hours in the traffic for about two days, back-to-back within the island axis. I did not like that.”
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“But they have since corrected that. It is not President Tinubu’s fault. Blame the over-enthusiastic security personnel who should be cautioned.”
“Do you know that the President was scheduled to come to Lagos on Tuesday last week. By Monday evening, they had locked up the road to Bourdillon and Oyinkan Abayomi. The following morning, nobody could even move. And when the President was going to the Nigerian l Institute for International Affairs (NIIA) for ECOWAS at 50, they had locked up the roads even when the President was still in bed. Completely inconsiderate protocol people. Sycophancy is the main problem in this country. Whoever was in charge of Presidential movement during that moment must be queried.”
“Easy. Take it easy. After all the complaints, have they not amended things? They have. You can’t blame the President for what officials do. Leadership in itself is a learning process.”
“Ileya, Eid el Kabir festival is a few days from now. I don’t want to hear that the President is going to the mosque and other people are stopped from exercising their own rights. After all, this is Lagos. President Tinubu is the father of Lagos politics in modern, contemporary times. If he must feel free anywhere, it must be in Lagos. His own land and territory. What is the security level alert? Why would he come into Lagos and his personal security would become such a big issue? He should be at home in his own state and space?”
“In politics, you do not take anything for granted. Politics is like Boys Scouts. You must always be prepared. In security matters, you do not leave anything to chance. Is it not in this same Lagos that the Obidients took over in the last general elections and Peter Obi of the Labour Party got a better percentage over and above Tinubu? From that moment in 2023, President Tinubu has had to watch over his shoulders whenever he is in Lagos. The best thing for a politician is to be in control of his own home base.”
“That was 2023. We are in 2025. He was a candidate then. He is now President. Level don change.”
“The Obidients have not kept quiet. They still behave as if they own Lagos.”
“They don’t own Lagos. Oh, wait a moment. So, is that why President Tinubu lost Lagos during the Presidential election in 2023? I see. Every political leader must have his home base under his control. You can’t be President of Nigeria and you can’t even win in your own backyard? It happened to President Olusegun Obasanjo in 1999. It also happened to President Tinubu in 2023. Every Nigerian President must start charity from his own base, otherwise that is a bad comment on his politics.”
“The sad story is that Lagos has an APC Governor in the person of Governor Babajide Sanwoolu. Lagos is an APC state.”
“Yes. Yes. But in 2023 in Lagos State, Sanwoolu won. Tinubu lost during the Presidential election. By what alchemy did the godson win, and the godfather lost? Think about it. It is an unforgettable offence in Nigerian politics. The Godfather must always look good. He cannot be allowed to look bad under your watch! Simple political logic. Not even US President Donald Trump would tolerate that.”
“So, is that why President Tinubu refused to shake Governor Sanwoolu’s hands at the commissioning of the phase one, 30 kilometres stretch of the Lagos-Calabar Coastal Highway? The Lagos state Governor was openly humiliated. I even heard that when it came to the time for one of the Governors to make a speech, the President called on Governor Dapo Abiodun to speak. Ogun State Governor oh? To speak on a project in Lagos state, even when the Lagos State Governor was physically present. That was the height of snobbery.”
“Governor Dapo Abiodun could have refused. He could have asked the President to call on the Governor of Lagos to speak.”
“I don’t know for you. You want Ogun Governor to overrule the President of Nigeria at a public event? Hello oh. Where are you from?”
“Are we under a garrison command? If I was the one in that position, I would have said sir, I think the function belongs to the Lagos State Governor, afterall, the project is in Lagos state, not Ogun. and more specifically, Sanwoolu is the host-Governor.”
“Wow. What a clever man! You are an intelligent man but you are not wise. My conclusion is that Governor Dapo Abiodun is wise and intelligent and you are a dumb person. The governor of Ogun State has just turned 65 years old. He is obviously a much wiser person than your type. As for Baba Tinubu and his son, Sanwoolu, leave them alone. They will resolve their family matter at the right time.”
“I don’t even know what they are commissioning. Thirty kilometres out of 750 kilometres?”
“I actually read a story in ThisDay newspaper which quotes one NGO, NEFGAD I think, saying that the commissioning is misleading and premature, and that presenting a fraction of the whole misrepresents the scope of the work, and undermines the public.”
“NGO? I beg. Leave these NGOs out of it. Who be NEFGAD? Who dey there? What do they know?”
“But look at their logic.”
“Which logic? Dem dey craze.”
“They have the right to talk. I hear that the 30 km is not even ready. The question to ask is: why the rush? It is not right to commission an uncompleted project. 30 kilometres out of 750 kilometres is just about 4% or less. Do your calculations.”
“Leave matter. Baba don commission. He don commission be dat. Are you saying you are wiser or by any stretch smarter than the Jagaban himself?”
“I am not saying anything. I am just raising simple questions.”
“Keep your questions to yourself. Baba knows what he is doing. The Jagaban! Asiwaju himself. Owner of the game.”
“This is precisely what we are talking about. You people are so sycophantic, nobody is allowed to ask the President any questions. This is Nigeria, not Gaddafi’s Libya. We, the people, must be allowed to talk.”
“Who is gagging you? But talk sense, and don’t ask stupid questions?”
“I want to know for example, why was the Lagos-Calabar Coastal highway awarded to the Chagourys, Lebanese people coming to Nigeria to build a conglomerate. Why not a Nigerian company?”
“You see? The Chagourys for your information are actually Nigerians. They are older than you in this country. They were born and bred here, and they have as much right as you do. Any other thing?”
“Is Tinubu part of the Chagoury group? Is he part of the people constructing the road? Is this a case of conflict of interest?”
“Go and ask him.”
“Let his advisers organise a media chat and invite me. I will ask him.”
“Which media chat?”
“The President owes us explanations on every subject. It is our money.”
“Which money? Do you even pay tax? Your money. Your money. Is it your money that the Nigerian government is spending?”
“Yes. It is our money.”
“My friend, go and sit down. You don’t need Tinubu, the President of the Federal Republic to come and be explaining this and that to you. He has Ministers who are doing the job. And they have been busy giving account, especially on this occasion of the President’s mid-term in office.”
“I voted for Tinubu, not the Ministers. I do not know them.”
“That is a pity. It means you are not a good citizen. You are supposed to know the people who govern Nigeria. The Constitution allows the President to delegate his authority. He alone cannot run Nigeria. Only yesterday, Nyesom Wike, Minister of the Federal Capital Territory granted a two-hour interview. Did you see that? Did you listen?”
“No. I did not. I switched off.”
“Then you and people like you are the problem. You want accountability, but you don’t even have enough discipline to listen.”
“I don’t want to listen to Wike. He spews a lot of bunkum.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard what I said. Why should I listen to him?”
“He is a servant of the Nigerian people, and his job is to report to us.”
“He likes to sound as if he is the alternate President of Nigeria. I have no patience for that.”
“And so? He is useful to the man that appointed him. He is helping Tinubu to fight people in the People’s Democratic Party. Every President needs at least one attack dog. Yesterday, Wike said for example that former Minster, former Governor Rotimi Amaechi is a hungry, and pompous liar, for attacking the President. He gave him such a beautiful 60thbirthday package! Then he added that he, Wike will lead President Tinubu’s campaign in 2027.”
“Oh God. Oh God. You are just an impossible fellow. You don’t know Nigeria. You have no idea what politics is all about. Can we talk about something else, p-le-a-se? Look at the 22 athletes who died on their way back from Ogun State after the 22nd National Sports Festival. They went to represent their state. They died in a road accident when they got back home. It is sad. It is unfortunate. It hurts. Nigeria happened to them.”
“It is not Nigeria. The Federal Road Safety Commission (FRSC) has concluded that this was a case of over-speeding. The relevant authorities behind the vehicles on our roads must insist on safe driving.”
“The roads are bad.”
“Yes. But the FRSC in this case is talking about over-speeding, and the need for discipline.”
“Twenty-two lives lost and the government is offering one million naira each to the affected families. They could have spent less than that amount to buy flight tickets for the Kano State contingent and get them back to Kano in less than three hours. But the poor souls had to travel from Ogun State to Kano by road. And now they offer the families of the deceased N1 million.”
“The Kano State Government paid the hospital bills. They have also offered to employ a member of every affected family.”
“Stop defending nonsense. Those persons could have been alive if Nigeria did not happen to them. And where is the Governor?”
“Nigeria happens to all of us. The Governor is in Saudi Arabia on hajj.”
“Hajj. Hajj. Governor away on hajj. And he is still there. And you are still alive to defend every possible misconduct”
“I only try to be fair and balanced.”
“Mr Balanciaga, well done. You hear me? I say una do well. One of these days, I won’t be surprised if they give you a job to come and help with your balancing work. I know you people. Do you want me to name staunch critics of President Tinubu who are now eating from his palms, and they will say anything to explain that they have finally seen the light and they were blind before now? The crisis that hunger has caused in this country has no measure. Ebi n pa wa is the right metaphor for the collapse of dignity, pride, values and the entire middle class.”
“Man must eat.”
“Man must eat with sense. Too many persons in this country eat without sense. They don’t believe in anything. Sorry I correct that. They worship only the sovereignty of their stomach.”
“Still I do not see anything wrong in that. Most people are not footballers who have to run up and down to eat, and struggle for the ball. We are not all made the same way. Some people eat by running helter-skelter, some are leeches, some by talking, some people get their daily bread by lying and stealing. And yet we are all God’s children.”
“Footballers! Those ones work hard. PSG just won the UEFA Champions League. What a complete team! What a marvelous team of young talents that Luis Enrique has put together. I say: Congratulations.”
“This has serious implications.”
“The only clear implication I see is that a PSG player will win the Ballon D’or on October 27. Ousmane Dembele.”
“You never know. There are other contenders. Barcelona’s duo of Lamine Yamal and Raphinha. PSG’s Desire Doue, Desired. Gifted. And Donnarumma.”
“Ousmane Dembele. My pick.”
“Okay. Okay. But let’s celebrate our own people too. Ademola Lookman who came home to present his CAF Footballer of the Year 2024 award to the President. We are proud of him. He is a worthy ambassador. God bless him.”
“Eric Chelle too, our Franco Malian coach. He won his first trophy as a coach, the Unity Cup, as a coach of the Super Eagles.”
“Good, Good. But I will join you to celebrate him only when he takes the Super Eagles to the 2026 World Cup. I reserve my praise.”
“Well. Ok. Well.”
Reuben Abati, a former presidential spokesperson, writes from Lagos.
