Impeach Goodluck! By Ose Oyamendan

Ose Oyamendan

Finally, something exciting out of Nigeria. I’m talking front-page news all over the world. I’m talking stuff that will shake the cobwebs off the constitution.

No more boring trite about the oil subsidy scandal or oil marketers’ funny dance with the financial health of the Nigerian nation. Not even that jealous rant about the billionaire-like benefits of federal legislators. And, thank God people have learnt to leave the first lady alone. The woman is God-sent. Accept it or consider yourself eternally jealous.

The coolest news about Nigeria is that the pristine clean; heavenly-adorned National Assembly is threatening to remove the biggest stain on Nigeria. And, after a lot of thought with their hovering magnifying glass, they have decided on the root of Nigeria’s problem. And, who else would it be but His Excellency, God’s former gift to Nigeria, President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.

And, I’m loving it!

It’s time we shake up the system. Most countries at fifty would have at least thrown a president into the dustbin just to make a point. But, all Nigeria has done is overthrow military leaders.

I’m not impressed by that, not one bit. If I had a gun, I would have overthrown my father from having the best meat in the pot of soup when I was a child. If I had a military tank, I would have forced my teachers to give me A+ grades without even showing up for school. It takes real men and women to sit in a legislative chamber and vote their leader out of power. In the ghetto, we actually call that “gangsta”.

What an easy task that would be because let’s face it, do we still have a president we can call a president in the mold of the OBJs and IBBs of the world?  His acronym is GEJ, for heaven’s sake! It reminds me of jedijedi. And, I don’t want to remember my leader when my butt is running a commentary over the toilet.

You judge a leader by the number of times his face graces the news headlines and how much the gossip columns fill up with his misdeeds. Jonathan is losing the front page to his ministers and they’re not even all that handsome or pretty or neck deep in salacious news. He’s so dull we’ve stopped hearing tales about his baby mamas and midnight champagne parties in the villa.

All you hear these days are rumors of corruption. For God’s sake, can we be more exciting? Corruption in Nigeria is a joke. Everyone is corrupt. Those who are on trial for corruption laugh their way back to their sofas. Even my son is corrupt. He bribes his brother with a candy so he can annex some of his toys. Corruption is old news. When the president and his gang deplete the nation’s reserve then we can talk.

Or, have they?

I’m dancing at the prospect of an impeachment drama. According to the honorable and distinguished members of the National Assembly, the president has been very dishonorable in the management of the federal budget. The president has done the unthinkable in not disbursing the entire budget and we’re already in August. Forgot the fact that the budget itself was not passed until we were well settled into 2012.

You see in a country where the government is the biggest business, the budget is like the vein of the economy. And rightly, the honorable Assemblymen and women know that when you cut off the vein, the body dies. Then, there is the little matter that if the budget is not fully implemented, the column of Nigerian big men and women who are well represented in the hallowed parliamentary chambers will not be able to swell their bank accounts.

In Nigeria, that would be equal to an Armageddon.

And, there is the little matter that if this budget is not implemented at a hundred percent then there won’t be a chance to pass a supplementary budget. And, everyone knows that the really cool dough can be worked into the supplementary budget. Now, this GEJ of a fella is denying them that and we’re already in August. Does he think private jets, mistresses, toy boys and foreign junkets pay for themselves? And, why does he think it’s cool for only him and his gang to do the chopping?

I love this whole impeachment talk because I think it may put some excitement into Nigeria’s drab politics. I look at list of contenders and pretenders to the throne in 2015, from Lagos to Daura and in between, and my heart dances at the possibility that we could start impeaching a president twice a year. Just think of it, it would be like creating new states. We’ll have absolutely way more than we sensibly need. We won’t be worried about what to do with the excess crude oil money anymore. They’ll be used for pension for our esteemed ex-president.

For his own sake, I hope the president has not forgotten how to teach animals to behave or teach students how to teach animals to behave. God knows, he’ll really need those zoology degrees now. I just hope the National Assembly won’t bungle the impeachment proceedings like they bungle everything else.


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