God & the Republicans By Ose Oyamendan

Ose Oyamendan

I am what you call a political junkie. I love politics. I can’t get enough of it. I love politics so much, I spent half of last Friday monitoring the Iranian elections. Some of my Iranian friends in Los Angeles didn’t even know there was an election going on in Tehran.

I get a high watching candidates sweat for votes. I love siting with a candidate and listening to their visions. I love the hours in an editing room making a political commercial that commands a place in the hearts of people. And, I love the joy on the face of the candidates when they preview those commercials.

Of course, I’m talking American politics. In Nigeria, presidential primaries are like anointing. It’s like what you do in the film business when the studios and financiers decide what actor they want for a role. But, to create a buzz, you hold auditions and get the industry excited about your project. Then, when you’re ready to roll, you announce the pre-ordained actor.

I think this is why people say politics and showbiz are two sides of the same coin. The difference is, in showbiz, the characters are good looking. But, in politics, a candidate that just came out of a human panel beater shop can be your next leader.

This season, the biggest game in town is the Republican presidential primary. It’s like a circus. The establishment’s choice is Mitt Romney. But, his party doesn’t seem too crazy about him. His opponents have taken turns at being the flavor of the month. Even Newt Gingrich, one of the most unpopular men in America, was briefly the “it” Republican candidate.

Mitt Romney is like the cousin no one wants representing the family at a big event. But, since none of the likeable cousins is stepping up, you’ll grudgingly allow him to sit at the head of the table knowing the chair has three legs.

But, Mitt is not even the story of the week because, as a Mormon, Mitt doesn’t talk about God too much so people don’t remember he’s not a Christian. The story is that the Republicans are trying hard to sell is that they are going to win America back for God. It feels God sent them a text message and said, “guys, help me down there”. 

I live in Hollywood, and if you’ve talked to very conservative Republicans, they’ll tell you when God comes to judge the earth, we won’t even be on trial. We’re the liberals. We think bad is good. We are all gays. We are the barrel of the world, the reason for all the trouble in God’s own planet. When the Day of Judgment comes, we won’t need to wait to be judged. Our place in hell is reserved. To which most people in Hollywood will reply, the most fun place in afterlife would be in hell then. And, they will party till eternity.

When Republican leaders talk about God, you get the feeling they are the only ones in God’s good books. It always seems that the rest of humanity is only marking time on earth before they go to hell. Pat Robertson, the man who claims to have God on call collect, claimed God has told him who the next president of the United States will be. But, Robertson won’t tell yet.

You know if Robertson is not telling, that can’t be good. It means he doesn’t like it. And, what he doesn’t like is either of two things: the Mormon or the black man. In Robertson’s view of heaven, there would be no gnashing of teeth when that happens. The angels would go around plucking everyone’s teeth out. Or, the teeth of every soul.

Then there’s Rick Santorum, God’s Dalmatian or lil’J in a sweater vest. The man is becoming more Catholic than the Pope everyday. If he becomes president, women would either have to be celibate or only have sex for procreation. In his eyes, God does not like condoms.

I’ve always wondered what the Republican plan for the economy is. They never talk about how to fix the economy but only rail about how bad Obama had made it, forgetting of course that Saint George Bush of Texas did a number of the economy before he left town. Now, I see their plan. It’s like the whole thing about contraceptive. Screw it.

I’ve been trying to figure out how God talks to these guys and why it seems what they hear often makes absolutely no sense. Since I know the wireless thing hasn’t extended to heaven yet because I don’t see cables that high up when I fly, I finally figured out the problem. God and these dudes must be using the Google+ conferencing technology. Even Google knows the technology is not perfect so you can forgive Robertson and Santorum for not hearing God’s dictates properly.

If Tunde Bakare is watching these Republicans, he’s probably going, “damn, I could have done that!” And, as Bakare and the Republicans know, Jesus not only saves, he sells too.

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