Dear Mr. President;
I trust you’re well because God knows our dear country needs you more at this time than at any other time. Every time the cold season rolls in, I go to church, barricade myself in and start a fast and marathon prayer for you. I can’t even think of cold on your corridor. God forbid!
I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a while. I’ve been traveling the world spreading the gospel of Goodluck. It’s a different world from when you were a professor and the smart kids test your knowledge. These days, people have thick brains. You gotta keep pounding and pounding information into their heads before you even make a dent.
Talking about dents, when do we stop this nPDP nonsense, sir? It’s a joke that’s gone too far. They are so out of date, I’m sure they’re still dancing to Bonny M before their conspiratorial meetings. I’m sure you must laugh that they call themselves nPDP while the whole world knows that if you want to be hip, the prefix you add is “e”.
But, we have a chance to change everything and I am sure you’re doing it with an eye for the future of the Nigerian child. Isn’t it crazy what your predecessors have done to mortgage their future? You keep trying your utmost to right the past wrongs and these folks who call themselves politicians don’t just see it.
It really makes me sick, which is not a good thing because when I’m sick, I eat a lot and because I’m near the government pie it means a lot of pie from people’s taxes end up in my big fat belly. I hate it but what’s an hungry man to do. From what I read, much of the country is hungry, deprived and depressed. Oops, sorry sir – that wasn’t me. Nigeria is great!
Sir, my high school teacher back in the days when ASUU hardly ever wnet on strike and teachers could write their own names, used to say, “call a spade a spade”. I had no clue what he meant since if you hung around him long enough he would practise his drumming skills with a peppered whip on your backside. But, today I think I know what it means.
It means get to the point. In Nigeria, people don’t get to the point. Abubakar Atiku wants to be president so he goes a roundabout way with nPDP. Bola Tinubu wants to attack you on some messy points, he asks Lai Mohammed to write a press release. Even your aides that need to tell Nigeria the great job you’re doing end up fighting everybody. Only Muhammadu Buhari gets it. He wants to be president and whoever doesn’t like it can return to the PDP.
Mr, president, I will get to the point. I want to be a minister. I know you must be wondering why a man as busy as myself will be making such a huge sacrifice for his country? Is he broke? Is he trying to finance his castle in the sky? Has he failed in the private sector? Is he fronting for some foreign institutions? Is this a stepping stone to a gubernatorial run?
I know the questions will grow as the days go by. But, your excellency, I can assure you, I am very different. I just want to serve my country. And, if I line my pockets along the way, that would just be patriotic icing on the cake. Ah, another hacker’s job there – that wasn’t me. I will pay to serve my country.
Thank god for timing and expediency. There are vacancies now. My two states are in the hands of the opposition. What better way to fix that than by giving me a ministerial position so I can use my skill and sizeable vocabulary to confuse the opposion.
I am not ambitious. I don’t want too much. The mistry of power will do. If not, that of works and housing is perfectly okay by me. But, if you want somebody you can absolutely trust to take over frm Diezani then I will consider it my national duty to do so.
One thing you can be sure of is my loyalty. I won’t join the nPDP or whatever else Atiku comes up with in the future. I won’t join APC or whatever the opposition merges into after their current experiemnt fails. I will wake up every morning and sing your praises. I will put on my gloves and hunt down anyone who thinks something bad about you. And I will consult Labaran and Diezani to know how I can be the ultimate GEJer.
I will sit by the radio and pretent I am surprised by your announcement of my appointment, sir. I know we’ll reach a deal in New York in the next few hours. I will use the wait period to take out some loans to update my wardrobe, scout for some choice properties and maybe look for a fifth wife. Someone has to rescue these female student from ASUU.
KENYA ON MY MIND
My heart hasn’t stopped weepping since the news from Nairobi came with blood and deaths. I am in Nairobi a lot. I have a production company there with my partners. I have friends there. Nairobi has been good to me. If I was in Nairobi, the chances are very high I would have been having lunch or shopping at the Westgate mall at the time of the attack. I was not but a colleague was and saw friends killed right in front of her. The stand off goes on. And, my heart continues to weep. The madness has to stop.
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