The Prophesy of Uncle Sal, By Ose Oyamendan

I was confused about the whole political logjam in the PDP this week. I read every book, watched all the shows I can and listened to as much radio as possible. But, this is Nigeria. Most times things defy logic.

So, I got on my bike and took the long hike to the one man I know has the answers to everything. He may not have been a farmer with a gun instead of a hoe. He may not be a retired policeman who can fix any sort of tire. He may not be a genius dangling evil on his fingernail. I don’t think he even went to school that much so the issue of him walking barefoot to class is out of question.

But, he knows a lot because he’s my uncle Sal. If he tells me it’s raining outside even though the sun is baking people, I believe him. You never know, what people think is the sun may actually be mercury rain. After all, rain soaks you and the heat is soaking people with sweat.

“Uncle Sal, I’m worried,” I cut right to the chase as soon as I’d dropped the bottle of whiskey on the table and sat down.

“Wetin concern pastor with Mecca?” he asks. I had no clue where that came from. My uncle Sal is good at throwing words at you like that. I think it wakes your brain up.

“This whole crisis with the PDP is crazy,  uncle. We’re hanging on the edge precipice,” I lamented.

“You know problem, too much school. Where the edge, where the Pepsi or what is that word? PDP na bird?”

“It’s a worrisome trend O”.

“This na nothing. These people just wan quench Buhari and Tinubu fire.”

”You mean fuel their fire?”

“Listen, my boy. As PDP dey do dem katakata you hear anything from APC?”

“No, sir.”

“Ehn, ehn! When you wake up before every day na one press release after the other from that Kwara Alhaji. Now, all those Tinubu boys just dey siddon look now because wetin concern poor man with tooth pick?

“I’m more confused now, uncle”.

“You think say baba dey happy say Tinubu don dey shout again? The man must checkmate ‘am now. All these governors na baba boys now.”

“But, if they’re his boys, why is he doing al these reconciliation thing when he can just call them to order?”

“Call dem to order? You think this na soja time. Even small boy must think say since him don get hair for yonder im fit give the whole town belle. Na big show, my brother!”

I must have looked so confused because he burst out into one of those laughter of his that sounds like a tribe of cannons.

“But, Baba and Atiku don’t jell. Atiku is leading the new faction,” I reminded him.

“Good. Now, wey you don mention Atiku and because you go school well well, you no recognize anything in all these drama?”

“No.”

“You don stay abroad too much O! Haba, no be the same thing Atiku do Baba before. That time Baba just cool down like say he no get water for mouth. But, you never take the gentility of a tiger to mean say he do lose im prick. When Baba finish with Atiku the man no even know where im house dey again. Atiku wey be vice president for one party go become presidential candidate for another party. Na wetin Fela dey call proper “craze world” be dat. Abeg forget Atiku.”

“But, the man wants to be president too.”

“President of What?”

“Nigeria”

“Nigeria what?”

“Federal Republic of Nigeria?”

“Abeg, leave that matter. God don stamp exit visa for him political ambition.”

“How is the president taking all these?”

“How he go take am now? You no say even though him na the big Oga, he still get some Oga on top of am.”

“He must be a wreck .”

‘Wreck, he get accident for Kenya?”

“No, wreck is like a new age speak for emotional turmoil.

“kai, you just dey throway grammar like say na banana. The man dey kampe. Na the people wey dey fight am I dey pity.”

“How?”

“How? You do forget simple things from your area?”

“In Ring Road?”

“You be Ibadan man? Which one be yeye Ring Road? I dey talk south- south! My brother, all these I be Nigerian first and foremost thing, na your semi-oyinbo nonsense O! You be proper Ishan man and your zone na south-south. But, my point be say, no vex Ijaw man O! Their fight no dey end!”

“You mean there is vengeance in the President’s DNA?”

“Which one be DNA? When Ijaw man fight town go scatter O!”.

“So, Rotimi Amaechi too will keep on fighting?”

“Abeg, we dey talk Ijaw man you dey talk Lagos boy. Na Rotimi go sweat pass when all this katakata settle. Him no be baba boy, he no bey Atiku boy. Him oga dem na Tinubu and co. And, you know Tinubu, go settle himself and run comot go count him money for Bourdillon. Then everyone go know who be who.”

“So, how does this all end?”

“Like he begin now. The dust go settle. Life go continue. Boys go get appointment. Goodluck go be president again. And we go begin talk about 2019.”

But, how do you know all these, Uncle?

“I dey siddon for Transcorp Hilton lobby all day, just like all the Oga on top dem”.