Repping My People, By Ose Oyamendan

God wasn’t joking when he inserted that bit about respecting your parents in the Ten Commandments.  For a long time I felt God was throwing the old folks a bone, knowing the Internet and social media were going to be allies of the kids in sending their parents to bonkers’ avenue.

Now, I know different. Parents are smart. And, that’s not because I’m now a parent and will force my kid to read the first three paragraphs of this piece as if he’s preparing for an exam. Truth is, parents see the future! Since I could hear, my father has drummed the importance of working for the government and helping the country into my ears. Seeing he did that and he’s always battling to get his pension I often snickered behind his back.

But, now I can see the light. The man was drawing me a map to the bank. In his days, working for the government was a sacrifice you made to build Nigeria. In my day, working for Nigeria is a sacrifice the country makes to build your bank account. I’m taking my father ultra-seriously.

I started a few weeks ago by making three trips to three different locales in three days. I was like a roaming ambassador without the large allowance, convoy and retinue of assistants. And, I wore a smile like I was advertising a new toothpaste.

When people applauded me, I closed my eyes briefly and pictured myself letting out that evil guttural laughter you see in horror movies right before someone gets slashed.

My trips were to Abuja, Ibadan and Irrua. If you’ve never heard of Irrua  don’t worry. If everything goes according to plans, you’re gonna hear a lot of it in the next few years. Martin Luther King had a dream, I have a plan.

My trips were for one reason– getting elected to the National Assembly in 2015.  Right now, I’m not even thinking of just winning. I’m thinking of whether I want to be a Senator or suffer the indignity of being called an honorable. I’m so sure of a seat in Abuja I’m beginning to plan my race for election in an office in the National Assembly.

People tell me it won’t be easy. I ask what, to be a speaker or Senate president? They laugh and say just getting there. They tell me there are men and women who have sacrificed a tribe of cows over the years and betrayed everything they believe in to position themselves at the door of such an opportunity.

That’s their problem. I just have to decide what place to run from and whose office to command when I get there. Besides, I have sacrificed too. You think it’s cool to go to Irrua on that two-lane road that’s been there since Yakubu Gowon was lamenting what Nigeria was going to do with her surplus oil money? Or, travel to Ibadan on that death trap of a highway from Lagos? Or go to Abuja in a commercial flight when you don’t have a contract waiting for you? Let me tell ya, they serve something they call snacks on those flights. Last time I threw a snack at a wall, the wall split!

I won’t be distracted though. I’m thinking Ibadan may be a great place to run from. I’m practically an “omo onile” I was born there, I’m from the Ring Road area so I don’t have to bother about the backlash from the indigenous Ibadan folks on the other side of the Ogunpa River. I don’t even have to kowtow to the princes of the ruling party in Abuja or the lords of the opposition party because there are new parties in town. Better hop aboard now before the big re-union that ensures all the good old boys and girls are taken care of and the river keeps flowing.

I have to give Irrua a shot too though. It would be bad to deny them of my brilliance or what jealous people call notoriety. Good thing they don’t know me well enough there. I’m a clean canvas there and I can create a new Ose. That shouldn’t be a tough thing to do since I have successfully convinced everyone I’m a writer and that includes you.

You must be wondering, why an ex-altar boy like me wants to muddy himself in the world of the National Assembly. First, have you seen our federal legislators? Do you see mud on their heavily starched outfits? If you think you do, go see your optometrist. What you see is most likely lipstick stains or naira stains from spraying over the weekend.

You still wondering why I’m running? Well, don’t let me keep you in suspense. I’m tired of working and the whole rat race. It’s time I retire. And, there is no better plan to retire than running for the National Assembly.

You see, if everything goes according to plans for the big boys and girls in Abuja, once you’re a member of the National Assembly you can retire for life on your salary and benefits. At around N50m a year at least, you know that’s a well-laid plan.

Now, I know a few people are worried. What about my profession that I love so dearly? Have you seen the attendance log in the National Assembly? Naija for life, baby!