Where Have All The Men Gone? By Ose Oyamendan

Ose Oyamendan

Today, in honor of Father’s Day, we’re doing something revolutionary, something that should have been done almost one hundred years ago, something we’ll probably regret tonight when it gets cold and we get a colder shoulder. We’re forming a men’s liberation movement.

Yup, the men’s lib movement is here. It’s time to free all the men of the world. We’re starting an NGO with headquarters in Nigeria. That way, if we run into a hiccup, we can still make a boatload of tax-free money.

Now, for all you kids who are worried about how this would go with the girlfriend, don’t worry. Send the wallet-drainers over to me or to some seasoned uncle who will make sure they get the message after a quick lunch.

The idea for a men’s liberation movement came from a chat with a friend. Normally, this dude will drink his wine jeje, embellish some gists and cook up new ways to make enough money to buy another gas guzzling car. But, today he was in no mood for that.

“It’s all God’s fault,” he lamented a few minutes after surrendering his credit card to his daughters so they can go shopping for a father’s day gift for him.  “Women have taken over the world”.

I was stunned. All my life I’ve heard it’s a man’s world! The man worships his wife. He adores his daughters and loves his sisters. His mother is a statue away from him declaring her a saint. His declaration hits me like it must have hit President Olusegun Obasanjo the moment he realized his Vice President was pulling the rug from under his feet.

You gotta feel for the men. They talked themselves out of power. Remember Mother’s Day? Mothers walked on carpets of diamond, got the special treatment and ate like queens. And, the men paid for it. Guess who’s paying for Father’s Day? Yup, the men.

Wanna know how much power women have? Get a newspaper right now. If you can’t find one, trek down to the suya seller’s stand. Flip through the newspaper and tell me whose picture you see. Most likely it’s the picture of the First Lady surrounded by a bunch of fine women you would gladly spend a pension on in one day.

The First Lady! Fifty years ago, you didn’t even see the First Lady. But, then came the men with their butt kissing for power crusade. They made the First lady an institution because they know if they get on her right side, they may just get on the expressway to Oga’s heart. And, you know that’s where the big bucks roll from. Suddenly, the Vice President bows and trembles when the First Lady’s perfume floats into his space. Know who made the First Lady an institution? Yes, you got that right – a man named Ibrahim who now lives on a hilltop! Hope he has some money because he’s paying for our NGO’s headquarters.

How did it get this bad? Normally in a conflict, the enemy first comes for your land then they take your women. The land is sometimes negotiable. But, the women means war. Women fight way dirtier though. First, they got God to yank some ribs off the man. What can a man do? You’re not gonna fight God. And, you sure not gonna fight a breathing, fleshy being with a whole lot of curves.

Man was doomed at “hey, baby”.

Then, they wanted a bigger voice.  It was great when, as a boy, they saved your behind from your father’s anger. But, then they took over music and poetry and the theater. And, just when you’re wondering, where are we gonna draw the line, they asked for education. Thinking that would be a great distraction, men said yes.

Wrong! The girls went to school to learn, the boys went there to ogle at their female teachers bodies. The girls wished they had more time to learn. The boys wished they had x-ray eyes. Thank God for charitable male headmasters, women would have been declared a lot smarter than men on the second day of school rather than when the results came out.

After school women claimed they were being discriminated in the work place. So, the men thought, you want more work, fine – knock yourself out. You blink an eyelid and the company is running better, there is no more war in the country and who’s the boss, “a madam! Thank God for coups.

But, that was not enough. They decided to steal trousers from the men. Now, every woman I know has a trouser. It used to be you go to the club, sit in the booth and drink in the women’s bare legs. Now, if a woman’s leg is bare, she is most likely a transvestite. Thank God for the forward thinking men of Scotland who took the battle to women and started wearing skirts many years before women thought of trousers. I know they call it kilt but seriously, who’re they kidding.

All these encroachment has to stop, men must be men again and it must start on this day, Fathers’ Day. I need to be fed in bed. I need to get the house dirty and come back to a clean house. I need to be bathed by nude virgins every morning. It’s my right to misrule the world. And, if I send folks to war, then so be it. I’m a man!

If you’re a man, a father or a brother join us. You may regret it but hey, life’s a risk. If by some very bad luck the wife, my mother, sisters, cousins, aunties and nieces read this, I never wrote this. Somebody hacked into Premium Times’ account and tried blackmailing me. I still have to go home, you know.

And, oh – happy fathers’ day to y’all pops. Good luck getting the world back.


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