A Naked Nation, By Ose Oyamendan

I am seriously thinking of enlisting myself as the chairman of the “Don’t Run Jonathan, Don’t!” campaign. Already, you get the feeling that Nigeria will break into a dozen countries if he doesn’t run. God helps the country if he runs and finishes second. We’re gonna be talking 36 mini-Nigeria.

I’m not one for breaking up Nigeria. I’m one for expunging the people and reasons who think the country should be split after tens of thousands of people died to keep it together. However, this campaign is not about breaking Nigeria, it’s about getting some excitement into the national life.

I’m thinking of going to my bank, taking a loan and flying down to Nigeria to start the campaign. I think we may even make it an NGO so we can collect and spend money that we will not account for. I will be the president, founder and treasurer. If all goes according to plan, I may be a coordinating minister, or at worse, minister for petroleum come June 2015.

My reason for thinking of starting the campaign is simple – I’m a sucker for naked people. One time I was in a European country and happened to walk on a beach where everyone was in their birthday suit. My host told me it was because they wanted to be free with nature. I remembered the last time my nephew tried to be free with nature and wetted my couch, I seriously thought of re-circumcising him. But, hey – this is Europe. So, I sat down, frowned as if the sight was despicable, put on my sunglasses and treated my eyes.

You can imagine my glee when the Urhobo leaders threatened to walk on the streets naked if the president failed to run. I quickly laid down on my couch and thought of all the Urhobo girls that have said no to my in the past. As the number grew, so did my wish to start this campaign. It’s not just for me; it’s for all mankind. A Nigerian filled with naked women on the streets would be a boon for tourism.

Knowing the psychology of Nigerian leaders, this would become a season of the buff because you know every tribe is going to try outdo each other with different forms of nakedness. Of course, there would be a problem. The men are threatening to be naked too. Nothing makes a man lose his lunch faster than another man with a boob and a stomach that looks like a different estate from his body.

But, I have a solution. Our borders are supposed to be porous. They’re unmanned which explains why people stroll in and out, sometimes with deadly weapons. We can deplore the men to the border. One look at them and our immigration problems will be solved. I can see kids fainting at the sight of the men with boobs, women running back and men throwing down their arms and embracing cattle rearing again.

Now, even if the president runs, it would be worth it threatening not to run just so we have a march of naked women on the streets. Then, after a few weeks, he may come out, hopefully the only clothed man in a naked nation, declare he’s rescuing his people from nakedness by running for the office he never planned to vacate. At that point, I can blame the printers for the typo on my NGO and claim it was “Run Jonathan, Run!” all along. Man must whack!

Run in 2015 or not, even if you don’t like the president you gotta give him some kudos for finally jettisoning the tag of the spectator president. For me, this was the week the man finally became the president and commander-in-chief in words and deed. The Boko Haram situation begged for a solution and, in declaring the state of emergency, he’s finally come to grips with ruling a complex nation as Nigeria.

The President, it seemed, against his own counsel opted for amnesty when the killing fields of the north became worse than an eyesore. But, the insurgents threw his offer back at him. And, just to make him realize that the last amnesty didn’t really work the way it was supposed to, Asari Dokubo, showed up in the media.

And, when you think Nigeria’s band of career politicians would come together and help the president tackle the menace, some in the opposition felt it was time to practice their skills at oratory. They condemned the president. These were the same men who hid under their golden beds while President Olusegun Obasanjo used his emergency powers to weed out those who found themselves on the wrong side of his potbelly.

Do these politicians who swear they have Nigeria’s interest at heart ever wonder about the lives that have been lost, the lives that are under threat and the life that sometimes is not worth the weight of the word life itself? Are they willing to turn Nigeria into a graveyard so they can inherit it if Jonathan fails to deal with it? Who wants to be the president of a national cemetery?

Not that I’m sold on the president getting re-elected. That is a matter for his party and for Nigerians. But, for once, it’s great to feel that Nigeria cares about all Nigerians and the president has set that tone. Now, only if he could declare he won’t be running so we can see some nice flesh on the streets.

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