Letter to Alamieyeseigha: Not all who steal are thieves…, By Alkasim Abdulkadir

Former Governor Diepreye Alamieyeseigha

“After all you did in Bayelsa; your detractors are still yapping and accusing you of stealing.”

My Dear Governor General,

I write to congratulate you on achieving this pardon and for clearing your good name from where it was wrongly placed in the book of Nigerian ignominy. They say prophets are not honoured in their homes, but what honour can be greater than a presidential pardon after all your meritorious service to state and country. To paraphrase Alexander Pope -to err is human; to pardon is Presidential.

When I remember the sweat under that Gele you tied from Heathrow and the torture of the corset that swaddled your belly as you entered the plane, the garnishing mascara and effeminate swag a whole Governor-General had to endure, I must say you have indeed made great sacrifices in life including saving us from Obasanjo’s third term junta.

Sir, forgive the vituperations of your fellow countrymen, who are covetous of your comeback, we have been told they are suffering from sophisticated ignorance. The most vociferous anger is from the children of anger on social media sites who have been busy maligning your name in this season of your rejuvenation. Let them be told that this callousness, the attempt by anti-corruption agents, newspaper editorials and the din from men of goodwill, sorry ill-will, is a move that will not succeed.

After all you did in Bayelsa, your detractors are still yapping and accusing you of stealing; allow me educate them that it is not all those who steal that are thieves, some are statesmen but not thieves, some are pension reformers but not thieves and some are pickpockets but not thieves.

They said they found just 1 million Pounds in your London house; haba, is it not the same 1 million Pounds that common MDA Directors in Abuja keep in their bedrooms. I shake my head at them Your Excellency, instead of them to marvel at the meagre amount you kept as petty cash. Didn’t they know you were the Governor General of an oil rich state?

Another bunch of your jealous political detractors now came up with the malicious rumours that your houses in the UK were worth 10 million Pounds ONLY which could have built and equipped at least 50 primary health care centres, built 1000 blocks of ICT enabled class rooms, or empowered a minimum of 1 million young people with varied skill sets, or established 500 small/medium factories. They kept calculating on and on, yet upon all these calculations, none of them, I repeat none of them has won the Nobel Prize for economics or even the Mathematics Olympiad for secondary schools.

One man who is jealous of your acquisitions and chief detractor is Nuhu Ribadu; he has described your grand state pardon as a sad incident. Well, with your permission I hereby ask him to go and hug a wet transformer. However, if and when he comes back to his senses and decides to pay a courtesy call to you, you can in principle promise him a shot at the presidency in 2019, because obviously Your Excellency, with this pardon it means an automatic anointment of your political son. To whom much is given, is not much deserved? Sir, you can pause, smile, and say Jonah my pikin carry go!

The trio of Doyin Okupe, Tony Uranta and Reuben Abati should be singled out for commendation in their display of gallant eloquence and sophistry. Theirs is a much needed skill in such times of national amoral revisionism. Abati has atoned for his past caustic commentary on you in your moments of persecution; such volte-face has earned him a perpetual exit from the political wilderness.

For the London Metropolitan Police, it is now your turn to “Ntooii” at them; a tongue out will suffice for what they made you go through. I hope they have learnt a vital lesson that not all who steal are thieves, some are statesmen! And the Americans, why are they crying louder than the bereaved, they said they have calculated what you stole, sorry I mean the small something you put away for yourself and family that it was 55 million Pounds, is it their money?

My dear Governor General, let me drop my pen here and allow you receive guests who have come from far and near to felicitate with you on this milestone, this blow to do-gooders and other sabi-sabi people.

Sir now is the best time for you to also write a book for your traducers to understand your inner battles. I have taken the liberty to suggest a title –Politics, Persecution and Pardon a riveting tale of personal triumph. I assure you that the part of your miraculous voyage back to Nigeria in disguise shall hold readers spell bound.

As you make your way to the hallowed chambers of the National Assembly to become a Senator; the phrase Senator-General just rolled of my tongue, it has a nice ring to it already. May your enemies live long to see you become a Senator General. Always remember sir; there are many pardons where this came from.

I remain yours sincerely.


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  • Es3

    My point and position remains that pardon is for the guilty and not the upright, and that err is human and to forgive an obviuosly repentant sinner is divine!

    • Moses Adekunle

      Es3, please stop all this after thought. This criminal -Alamieyeseigha -was presented to us as “hero” and “sober” person helping Oga, President Jonathan – to stem the terorism in the creeks. The convict was not presented as a ‘sinner” by President Jonathan. So what are you talking? if this is an after thought, please say so. If an error was made in giving a convict pardon thereby asking 419 boys and girls to proceed with their criminal 419 job because they will be pardoned at the end, please say so. You can not turn round -after all Oga boys have thumped their chest that the criminal pardon is the right thing-to now say “oh pardon is for sinner”. You fellows presented this common thief dressing like a woman_Alamiyeseigha-as a “hero” when the thing blew in your face, you are trying to turn around and say something else. We no longer believe you and you have burned all hopes and expectations.

      • Es3

        Moses Adekunle,
        I do not know where your claims of after thought came from because I still recall hearing Doyin Okupe on national TV (and newspapers) telling all that Alams had repented and shown remorse (so much) that he is now helping the government on the militants issue in the Niger Delta?!
        Please review these (view and read it again), then you can revert!

  • Stacy

    Well written, Alkasim the great!

  • reporterunsensored

    Alkazim,you are a star writer.ingenious sarcasm-keep it up!

  • Mpitikwelu_na_Ugwu_Awusa

    I know two thieves in Minna who make Alams look like a saint. But they are untouchable. The Governors-general of two hilltop in Minna.

    • daniel

      We also have a President in the last three years whose family especially children and the mother of the children we do not know. Yet we are in a modern democratic and open society!!!! Yet we all pretend, cover our nose and we are living with it pretending that the issue is not there!!!

  • Hassan Ado Sabari

    This is the worst article I’ve ever read in my life

    • reporterunsensored

      Are you kidding me?!