ADVERTISEMENT
  • The Membership Club
  • PT Hausa
  • About Us
  • Advert Rates
  • Careers
  • Contact Us
Thursday, March 4, 2021
Premium Times Nigeria
  • Home
  • COVID-19
  • News
    • Headline Stories
    • Top News
    • More News
    • Foreign
  • Investigations
  • Business
    • News Reports
    • Financial Inclusion
    • Analysis and Data
    • Business Specials
    • Opinion
    • Oil/Gas Reports
      • FAAC Reports
      • Revenue
  • Opinion
  • Health
    • News Reports
    • Investigations
    • Data and Infographics
    • Health Specials
    • Features
    • Events
    • Primary Health Tracker
  • Agriculture
    • News Report
    • Research & Innovation
    • Data & Infographics
    • Special Reports/Features
    • Investigations
    • Interviews
    • Markets
  • Arts/Life
    • Arts/Books
    • Kannywood
    • Lifestyle
    • Music
    • Nollywood
    • Travel
  • Sports
    • Football
    • More Sports News
    • Sports Features
  • Projects
    • Parliament Watch
    • Panama Papers
    • Paradise Papers
    • AGAHRIN
  • Home
  • COVID-19
  • News
    • Headline Stories
    • Top News
    • More News
    • Foreign
  • Investigations
  • Business
    • News Reports
    • Financial Inclusion
    • Analysis and Data
    • Business Specials
    • Opinion
    • Oil/Gas Reports
      • FAAC Reports
      • Revenue
  • Opinion
  • Health
    • News Reports
    • Investigations
    • Data and Infographics
    • Health Specials
    • Features
    • Events
    • Primary Health Tracker
  • Agriculture
    • News Report
    • Research & Innovation
    • Data & Infographics
    • Special Reports/Features
    • Investigations
    • Interviews
    • Markets
  • Arts/Life
    • Arts/Books
    • Kannywood
    • Lifestyle
    • Music
    • Nollywood
    • Travel
  • Sports
    • Football
    • More Sports News
    • Sports Features
  • Projects
    • Parliament Watch
    • Panama Papers
    • Paradise Papers
    • AGAHRIN
Premium Times Nigeria
BUA Group Ad BUA Group Ad BUA Group Ad
ADVERTISEMENT
Ose Oyamendan

Note to the unborn Nigerian child, By Ose Oyamendan

byOse Oyamendan
December 3, 2012
3 min read
ADVERTISEMENT
Ose Oyamendan
Ose Oyamenda writes unborn Nigerians: “The trick for you is not to try and be posted to Europe or America, just try to be posted to the womb of the wife of a big man. You will be born retired.”

My dear unborn Nigerian;

You must be wondering who the hell is this bugger cutting into your embryonic, sleeping time. Forgive the intrusion. But, I just read something of serious national significance.

I’m writing you today because I’m afraid you guys must have a way of accessing the Internet from the womb or in the assembly line in heaven or wherever it is babies getting their final marching orders.

There’s something called the Internet on earth and it’s turned everything upside down. You can never tell what’s going on these days. I know of a woman of disrepute who accused a man of repute of getting her drunk and taking advantage of her. To prove it, she said had a video ready to go on the Internet if the man plays hard. Ten years ago, they will laugh a woman like that out of town. But, today – you become a star in some countries with the right sex videos. Our man of repute paid off the woman of disrepute so he can preserve his reputation.

I hope that tells you something about my fears on the whole Internet thing. I’m not sure of you’ve read the disturbing report in a sister publication of The Economist about how Nigeria is the least favorable place for a child to be born in 2013. I hope you’ve not because we seriously need more kids in Nigeria.

I can imagine the panic in the ranks of those being posted to Nigeria. Fear not, dear unborn Nigeria. As they say in these parts, “no shaking”.

Since you already chose Nigeria, I imagine you know how to game the system. I imagine it’s like being posted to serve in the Youth Corp scheme we have here in Nigeria. If you don’t like where you are posted, you try and find a big man or woman who can help you get re-posted to a place of your choice. I can imagine the hustle for Switzerland and those other cool countries is high now.

But, don’t despair. You will love Nigeria. The first thing you need to know is that the country is in a flux. In most countries, they settle on the number of states a few years after independence. Not in Nigeria. Currently, there is agitation for more states. It may sound senseless to you. But, you must start thinking like a Nigerian. More states mean more jobs for the boys and girls. You may just get a rich daddy!

The trick for you is not to try and be posted to Europe or America, just try to be posted to the womb of the wife of a big man. You will be born retired.

RelatedNews

Again, court adjourns Diezani’s fraud case amid extradition deadlock

PHOTOS: Okonjo-Iweala assumes office as WTO director-general

Alleged N702million Fraud: Doyin Okupe has no house in Abuja – Witness

How Nigeria can achieve restructuring – Ex-presidential Candidate

I’m not sure if the president is taking applications from any quarters but, if I were you, I would hire a private heavenly investigator and find out. That is as good as it gets. The man’s friends will start a trust fund for you at birth. The man will take care of three generations after you.

Whatever you do, don’t come into a poor home. I know the white babies around you may be telling you stuff like poor is cool and artistic. You will die of poverty and regret if you listen to them. Europe poor is not African poor. There is no welfare, no free health care and no free education. If you fall very ill as a poor man, you might as well start digging your own grave.

So, my little unborn child, think wisely – think rich and think Nigeria. When you have money, there is no place better to live in the world than Nigeria. You can drive against traffic, slap the policemen when they question you, loot the government treasury, get all the chieftaincy titles money can buy and be rewarded with choice positions in government.

Dangote adbanner 728x90_2 (1)

You shouldn’t worry too much about work. Remember that thing I wrote about retiring at birth? I mean it. If for any reason you, God forbid, need a job, go for what passes as energy in your time. You just need to show up for work and count your millions. Or, easy still, get oil licenses and re-sell them.

Finally, don’t even think about the African countries ahead of Nigeria on the chart. We are the giants of Africa. People who say we are not are just jealous. Yes, our infrastructures make you cry and our living standards will kill the weak but, hey, we have to hang on to something.  Just keep chanting it and you’ll believe it. Giant of Africa! Giant of Africa! Giant of Africa!

Just so you know white people are very biased. They only surveyed 80 countries.  There are 193 countries in the world according to the United Nations. So, realistically, Nigeria is in the top 100. You may think that’s an optimistic analysis and you will be right. We are very optimistic in Nigeria. It’s like the pill that gets people out of bed in the morning. But, you won’t need that. You will be born rich.

And, make sure you are born abroad. It’s just an added security your rich parents who are probably misruling Nigeria will chose for you.  Hope to see the announcement of your birth and the parties that follow in the media soon.

  • WhatsApp
  • Tweet
  • Email
  • Print
  • Telegram
  • More
  • Share on Tumblr
  • Pocket

Support PREMIUM TIMES' journalism of integrity and credibility

Good journalism costs a lot of money. Yet only good journalism can ensure the possibility of a good society, an accountable democracy, and a transparent government.

For continued free access to the best investigative journalism in the country we ask you to consider making a modest support to this noble endeavour.

By contributing to PREMIUM TIMES, you are helping to sustain a journalism of relevance and ensuring it remains free and available to all.

Donate


TEXT AD: To advertise here . Call Willie +2347088095401...



JOIN THE CONVERSATION

  • Disqus (0)
premiumtimes



PT Mag Campaign AD

Previous Post

Making Nigeria Work: A review of “The Way We Are”, By Akachi Adimora-Ezeigbo

Next Post

Why we must restructure government a la Sanusi Lamido, By Ifeanyi Uddin

Ose Oyamendan

Ose Oyamendan

More News

Olabisi-Deji-Folutile on a Nigerian aberration

Nigerian Aberration: Meetings With Bandits, None On Education, By Olabisi Deji-Folutile

March 4, 2021
Azu Ishiekwene on Ganduje and his hypocrisy

Ganduje and the Genius of Hypocrisy, By Azu Ishiekwene

March 4, 2021
Babafemi Badejo on Nigeria moving towards the precipice

Nigeria: Moving Towards the Edge of the Precipice, By Babafemi A. Badejo

March 3, 2021
Chinna Okoroafor on Emotional Intelligence and women leaders

Emotional Intelligence: Why We Need More Women Leaders, Chinna Okoroafor

March 3, 2021
Hannatu Musawa on kidnappings in Nigeria

Kidnappings: When Government Dances With the Devil, By Hannatu Musawa

March 3, 2021
Zainab Suleiman Okino on Yewande and female appointees

Yewande: Troubled Tenures of Female Appointees, By Zainab Suleiman Okino

March 3, 2021
Next Post
Ifeanyi Uddin on whether the Nigerian state has failed

Why we must restructure government a la Sanusi Lamido, By Ifeanyi Uddin

Breaking News

JTF battle Boko Haram in Maiduguri

Discussion about this post

Search

#EndSARS: Latest Updates




Polaris Bank


JAIZ Ad


NITDA Ad





Glo Ad

Subscribe to News via Email

Enter your email address and receive notifications of news by email.

Join 1,628,808 other subscribers.

Advertisement






netherland biz school Advert



Zenith Advert

ADVERTISEMENT

Our Digital Network

  • PT Hausa
  • Election Centre
  • Human Trafficking Investigation
  • Centre for Investigative Journalism
  • National Conference
  • Press Attack Tracker
  • PT Academy
  • Dubawa
  • LeaksNG
  • Campus Reporter

Resources

  • Oil & Gas Facts
  • List of Universities in Nigeria
  • LIST: Federal Unity Colleges in Nigeria
  • NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria
  • Nigeria’s Federal/States’ Budgets since 2005
  • Malabu Scandal Thread
  • World Cup 2018
  • Panama Papers Game
  • Our Digital Network
  • About Us
  • Resources
  • Projects
  • Data & Infographics
  • DONATE

All content is Copyrighted © 2020 The Premium Times, Nigeria

No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • COVID-19
  • News
    • Headline Stories
    • Top News
    • More News
    • Foreign
  • Investigations
  • Business
    • News Reports
    • Financial Inclusion
    • Analysis and Data
    • Business Specials
    • Opinion
    • Oil/Gas Reports
      • FAAC Reports
      • Revenue
  • Health
    • News Reports
    • Investigations
    • Data and Infographics
    • Health Specials
    • Features
    • Events
    • Primary Health Tracker
  • Agriculture
    • News Report
    • Research & Innovation
    • Data & Infographics
    • Special Reports/Features
    • Investigations
    • Interviews
    • Markets
  • Arts/Life
    • Arts/Books
    • Kannywood
    • Lifestyle
    • Music
    • Nollywood
    • Travel
  • Sports
    • Football
    • More Sports News
    • Sports Features
  • Projects
    • Panama Papers
    • Paradise Papers
    • Parliament Watch
    • AGAHRIN
  • Opinion
  • PT Hausa
  • The Membership Club
  • Dubawa
    • Dubawa NG
  • About Us
  • Advert Rates
  • Careers
  • Contact Us
  • Digital Store
  • DONATE

All content is Copyrighted © 2020 The Premium Times, Nigeria

Our website uses cookies. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. Visit our Privacy and Cookie Policy.
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.