Note to the unborn Nigerian child, By Ose Oyamendan

My dear unborn Nigerian;

You must be wondering who the hell is this bugger cutting into your embryonic, sleeping time. Forgive the intrusion. But, I just read something of serious national significance.

I’m writing you today because I’m afraid you guys must have a way of accessing the Internet from the womb or in the assembly line in heaven or wherever it is babies getting their final marching orders.

There’s something called the Internet on earth and it’s turned everything upside down. You can never tell what’s going on these days. I know of a woman of disrepute who accused a man of repute of getting her drunk and taking advantage of her. To prove it, she said had a video ready to go on the Internet if the man plays hard. Ten years ago, they will laugh a woman like that out of town. But, today – you become a star in some countries with the right sex videos. Our man of repute paid off the woman of disrepute so he can preserve his reputation.

I hope that tells you something about my fears on the whole Internet thing. I’m not sure of you’ve read the disturbing report in a sister publication of The Economist about how Nigeria is the least favorable place for a child to be born in 2013. I hope you’ve not because we seriously need more kids in Nigeria.

I can imagine the panic in the ranks of those being posted to Nigeria. Fear not, dear unborn Nigeria. As they say in these parts, “no shaking”.

Since you already chose Nigeria, I imagine you know how to game the system. I imagine it’s like being posted to serve in the Youth Corp scheme we have here in Nigeria. If you don’t like where you are posted, you try and find a big man or woman who can help you get re-posted to a place of your choice. I can imagine the hustle for Switzerland and those other cool countries is high now.

But, don’t despair. You will love Nigeria. The first thing you need to know is that the country is in a flux. In most countries, they settle on the number of states a few years after independence. Not in Nigeria. Currently, there is agitation for more states. It may sound senseless to you. But, you must start thinking like a Nigerian. More states mean more jobs for the boys and girls. You may just get a rich daddy!

The trick for you is not to try and be posted to Europe or America, just try to be posted to the womb of the wife of a big man. You will be born retired.

I’m not sure if the president is taking applications from any quarters but, if I were you, I would hire a private heavenly investigator and find out. That is as good as it gets. The man’s friends will start a trust fund for you at birth. The man will take care of three generations after you.

Whatever you do, don’t come into a poor home. I know the white babies around you may be telling you stuff like poor is cool and artistic. You will die of poverty and regret if you listen to them. Europe poor is not African poor. There is no welfare, no free health care and no free education. If you fall very ill as a poor man, you might as well start digging your own grave.

So, my little unborn child, think wisely – think rich and think Nigeria. When you have money, there is no place better to live in the world than Nigeria. You can drive against traffic, slap the policemen when they question you, loot the government treasury, get all the chieftaincy titles money can buy and be rewarded with choice positions in government.

You shouldn’t worry too much about work. Remember that thing I wrote about retiring at birth? I mean it. If for any reason you, God forbid, need a job, go for what passes as energy in your time. You just need to show up for work and count your millions. Or, easy still, get oil licenses and re-sell them.

Finally, don’t even think about the African countries ahead of Nigeria on the chart. We are the giants of Africa. People who say we are not are just jealous. Yes, our infrastructures make you cry and our living standards will kill the weak but, hey, we have to hang on to something.  Just keep chanting it and you’ll believe it. Giant of Africa! Giant of Africa! Giant of Africa!

Just so you know white people are very biased. They only surveyed 80 countries.  There are 193 countries in the world according to the United Nations. So, realistically, Nigeria is in the top 100. You may think that’s an optimistic analysis and you will be right. We are very optimistic in Nigeria. It’s like the pill that gets people out of bed in the morning. But, you won’t need that. You will be born rich.

And, make sure you are born abroad. It’s just an added security your rich parents who are probably misruling Nigeria will chose for you.  Hope to see the announcement of your birth and the parties that follow in the media soon.