All observes protocolled! (HIC)
Today is a great day and I have declared a public holiday for myself Your Excellency. Who cares if everyday is a holiday for most jobless Nigerians, today is especially special because God gave us a great man fifty-five years ago.
Your excellency sir, on this August occasion on a hot November day, I am wish to birthday you happy sir! I am so totally drunk in Iya Sikirat’s bar right now I feel like dancing but she has no light to play any music. Let me clear the air sir, I am drunk with joy not alcohol sir. (HIC). I do not touch anything alcoholic sir, I am a good follower of your harsh beverage abstinence.
Your Excellency, today you double five turn. It is a special number. (HIC) Why? Lets leave that for future symposium. Let me just rejoice. As the nation pray for you and with you today, I am also on my knees at Iya Sikirat’s bar. She thinks I have gone loco, but I know me. (HIC). I pray that God will not let your enemies remove cap from your head while you are standing with your two both legs.
If I had money (other than to settle last month’s bill with Iya Sikirat who is holding my trousers as I speak) I would have taken full page ads in our dailies to extol your governance. Don’t mind the useless contractors (HIC), I meant to say detractors sir, who keep talking rubbish at every opportunity, yet come to you in the middle of the night to beg for bread.
I am overwhelmed that you, a man I voted for has done this much for me. There is every reason for me to celebrate another year with you today. Because only the living rejoice. Dead body nor dey drink Hennessey.
Although it is a bit disheartening that yours truly can not boast of a cow to be sent to Aso Rock, but today is not a day to be sad at all. God has given me words to salute you and congratulation you as you see another year added to your reign. Only the dead will not know what has been happening in this country. We all can see the debilitating overload you have been carrying without help from the Generals. We can clearly see how things are falling apart left right and center. Bombs going off, faceless killers are on rampage and not willing to dialogue, kidnappers snapping people like gadflies swallowing insects without a trace and armed robbers having broad day light parties. God in the midst of all these tempests has spared you and your family’s lives. We are thankful Your Excellency.
That you have travelled on our deadly roads while visiting your governed, yet no harm has come near you since your last birthday is worth thanking God for. Even when you fly in the air, you arrive safely wherever you go, (that can not be said of many leaders in this country) we thank God for you, Your Excellency.
Your excellency my heart is about to burst with happiness like an over shaken bottle of Champagne (HIC) for you because God did not allow the enemies to widow you. If I had money (Sorry your Excellency, I know you have provided for me amply, but you know how things are…) I would have hired a Sunny Ade’s band to play in the streets of Abuja, especially as our mother is by your side alive to celebrate your birthday with you today.
I know you are a busy man and I do not want to waste your time today, but this is the day that the Lord has made and we will rejoice in it.
I want to thank God with you Your Excellency. I have said that before. (HIC) I know I can not say it enough that you are a wonderful leader. (Iya Sikirat, please wait let me finish, I will pay you!) Even if nobody will say it, I will not bend my mouth to say that you are the one we have been waiting for Your Excellency. A leader that has brought us fresh air. No, I am not drunk Iya Sikirat, leave me alone. (HIC) A selfless man that you are, you eat only two meals a day so people like us may have enough to eat. Your excellency, my able C-in-C, again and again I say thank you.
God does not make mistake and I did not vote with my left thumb. I know that you are the leader that will redeem this our dying country to it’s old glory which many of us only read in books by Achebe and others. I have boasted to my Iya Sikirat already today that the man I voted for will be the one that will give us good electricity. Iya Sikirat thinks I am drunk and beggarly because she does not believe any man can solve our power problem. But I know you can!
Your Excellency, I have nothing else to say now. I can not wish you good luck because nobody sells canoe to a canoe carver. Nor can I wish you prosperity, because if you get more prosperous than this, that means you are in heaven. – you and I know there is only one way of getting to heaven.
So Your Excellency, happy birthday once again! (IYA SIKIRAT, ONE MORE PLEASE, MY PRESIDENT WILL PAY IF I CAN NOT!)
Victor Ehikhamenor is working on a new book, Excuse Me