SATIRE SATURDAY: How to scam Nigerian job seekers ahead of 2019 (1)

FILE PHOTO: Thousands of young Nigerians jostled for 11 job positions in UNTH Enugu, South East Nigeria
FILE PHOTO: Thousands of young Nigerians jostled for 11 job positions in UNTH Enugu, South East Nigeria

SATIRE SATURDAY moves back to Lagos this weekend, after about three weeks in Abuja. Of course, the numero uno himself has moved away from the seat of power to London anyway, making the job of social criticism quite uninteresting for wailers, both online and elsewhere.

And talking about job, there have been talks about Nigeria’s unemployment figures and the zillions of jobs created by this government in the last few months, with many of such discussions throwing up controversies. From claims by the Agriculture minister, Audu Ogbe, to Chris Ngige of the Labour ministry and, ultimately, to Lai Mohammed, the figures churned out have largely been dismissed as unverifiable half-truths. As we move towards the elections, there will be more and more of such “job-creation” claims and therein lies the goldmine for smart Nigerian entrepreneurs.

Of course, even before elections, a few smart unemployed Nigerians especially in Lagos have devised an escape route away from the nation’s perennial problem of unemployment, by creating employment for themselves out of the unemployment crisis. In the spirit of sharing, SATIRE SATURDAY will highlight a few tips detailing how anyone could emulate these ingenious guys, quit lamentation and create a job for himself out of no job: by simply fleecing Nigerian job seekers in Lagos and elsewhere.

If you move through Ikeja, Ikoyi and Victoria Island, there are tons of “consulting” companies purportedly recruiting for oil majors, banks and other blue-chip companies. Due to their experience, many fresh NYSC members and other experienced members of the Association of Nigerian job seekers think they are scam but it doesn’t matter. The branding and the returns are the essentials. And that’s exactly where the goldmine lies. So if you yourself do not have a job, you may want to explore this job consulting job (never mind the repetition).

First, if you are thinking of embracing this money-spinning ‘start-up’ (deceiving and fleecing unemployed Nigerians), you must know that the government is a strong ally. So you must pray that Nigerians continue to get the same kind of government they have always had for decades; the kind of government that creates jobs ONLY on the pages of the newspaper. That, frankly, remains the only way your ministry can grow and you’d be assured of more clients. As we move into the election year proper, as my explanation will show, you’d be moving into your own equivalent of “oil boom” era.

Two, morality is no virtue in this entrepreneural journey. Those who run the institution that would provide you the strongest support––the government–– don’t do morality. So it is important that there is a synergy between both parties, you and government; hence there may be miscommunication.

Three, to successfully scam Nigerian job seekers, one would need to work RELIGIOUSLY with the government memo. Since you do not originally have any job as the CEO of a job consultancy firm and there is a government that promises and delivers jobs ONLY in newspapers, which citizens may not be discerning enough not to believe, there is a perfect match here. But you have to ensure that there is no breakdown in communication so your clients––Nigeria’s teeming unemployed population––don’t identify you as the thieving scam artist that you are.

Having settled the corporate governance aspect of this scamming entrepreneurial project, let’s look into the daily operations.

There are a few details that may damage your hustle like the location of your company, the way you word your messages to clients (read: unemployed youths), the entire design of your office, the name of your (thieving) consulting firm, among others. These are very important optics. They could determine the difference between a billionaire ‘job’ consulting firm CEO and a poverty-stricken CEO. These, I presume, are tiny details that you wouldn’t want to miss next week, no?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING: Rogue SARS and the worthlessness of Nigerian life

If there was anything that exemplified the worthlessness of the Nigerian life this week, it would be the depressing detail of the ordeal of James Ibe-Anyanwu, that Lagos writer-businessman who was forced to hide inside a bank toilet by some rogue SARS officers in Okota. The bribe-seeking officers, who have been identified by the police, almost snuffed life out of the poor man in a hide-and-seek game that lasted for hours. Many commentators on the cyber space said many Nigerians have been shot and branded ‘thieves’ in similar circumstances, especially in hidden places. Depressing.

While it is commendable that the police have identified the rogue officers, the matter must not for any reason be swept under the carpet as is typical of such cases in Nigeria. They must be dealt with severely if found guilty, to serve as deterrent to other rogue security operatives.

The incident brings to mind the legitimacy of the #EndSARS campaign launched by Nigerians a couple of months ago. Yet it is sad that a section of the nation’s security apparatus would become a deadly monster and be considered more dangerous that actual robbers among Nigerians at a time people are being killed in sporadic shootings and, ironically, officers in the Police Force are considered inadequate for proper policing. Sad details.

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