Monday, April 21, 2014

Jonathan, I and the purported end of the world, By Ose Oyamendan

Published:

OSE OYAMENDAN

It’s Friday and I am pissed. I’m not even sure the last time I was this pissed. Most likely when I was born and I realized my father was not an army officer. I’m still looking for my birth contract and the lawyer that advised me to sign off on it in heaven.

And, that is one of the reasons I’m pissed this morning. You see, I was hoping I’d see that celestial lawyer today and drag him in front of a tribunal in heaven. I’m thinking it would be a tribunal for Nigerians since the military has ruled us longer and they believe in carting people before quasi-judiciary bodies.

In the last year, I’ve become a fan of everything Mayan. They prophesized the world would end last Friday. I even loved the rhymes of the dates. 12/21/12. The only better date would have been 12/12/12. But when you’re trying to go into heaven and enjoy an eternity of no work and all play, dates are just numbers.

In preparation for this end of the world, I have been living la Vida loca. I maxed out my credit cards, took to drinking, gambling and showing women from every continent what I got.

Before the dawn of 2012, I stumbled into a Mayan who was working as a barista in Los Angeles. We got talking because I wanted to make friends with him in case as a Mayan he can take folks up the long winding lines on judgment day. I was sure that, as a Nigerian and American, once I get to the front of the line I could talk my way into heaven.

But, the kid was dumb. He didn’t know his history. He had no clue about the end of the world that his own people predicted. So, I made him call his folks back home. Turns out he doesn’t even know where home was. He was born in Los Angeles, looks like a child that Mick Jagger and Grace Jones made together and spoke with that titling Los Angeles valley accent.

I’d talked to professors and so-called experts about the end of the world but they were so full of themselves they mostly snickered at me. I ignored them because experts are fakes sometimes anyway. They always think they know what they don’t know.

I was so sure the world would end on 12/21/12 when I finally got across to the Mayans who should know and they played dumb too. One of them even said the only reason they know about the apocalypse according to their ancestors was because they read it about it online, in the newspapers and on American television shows. That was all I needed to hear. These guys were trying to hide the secret from the whole world!

I came up with a story and the dumb bank manager approved a loan for me. I did the things I’ve always wanted to do. Like seeing the world from the first class cabin. I even came to Nigeria so many times in 2012, the customs guys recognized me.

When my staff got worried and asked for a sit down with me on account of my endless vacation. I did what we all do in Hollywood. I told them a big lie with a straight face. I told them I was preparing us for 2013. I told them I was researching projects and they will be tired of work in 2013. Since they were still collecting their salaries, they believed me. I had a chuckle behind their backs as I thought, “see you in heaven, suckers!”

Even when the wife started having doubts if she was ever married since she hardly ever saw me, I told her there was a bag of gold waiting for us at the end of the year. You know how women love gold and diamonds. She stopped nagging. When my shrink expressed some concerns that I was gone too much, I brought him a gift from Eastern Europe and the worries disappeared.

For a while, I thought the reason Nigeria has dragged on this year is because the president knew something that we don’t know. I didn’t know what it was until he came out and said the country would love him when he transforms it in 2013. Then it suddenly occurred to me. This doctor of a president has been reading up on Mayan technology. He knows there would be no 2013.

I’m really certain of that now because why would President Jonathan hold up Lagos traffic just so he can go to a religious event and have a pastor pray for him. Certainly, he was praying for easy passage into heaven. In other countries, they invite the pastor to the state house. But, given the proximity to 12/21/12, I’m sure President Jonathan didn’t want to take a chance.

Now, it seems 2013 would be here after all. And, Jonathan must find someone to blame near the end of 2013. As for me, I’m going for a facial reconstruction and changing my name. It’s the only way I can escape this debt.

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